What would you put in Room 101?
by Flash Wilson, July 21st 2004Click here to hear Flash read this article.
I often wonder, while watching Room 101 on the television, what items I
would send there, nevermore to blight my life. It didn't
take me long to decide. Several months later, these spur
of the moment choices still hold good for me, so I shall
reproduce them here. I've chosen six items which I wouldn't
miss at all...
The White Stripes
They represent a kind of music I hate - music with no
meaningful lyrics, and a mundane repetitive tune that
doesn't develop or move music forward in any way.
Basically they produce music which seems to have no
purpose. What's the point of singing "the hardest
button to button" over and over?!
Heroin
It kills people, it changes people, it drains their
money... To an outsider it seems awful.
I'm also worried that if I ever tried it, I'd like it a
little too much -
so best to delete it from the world and remove the
possibility.
Cycling on the pavement
Usually cyclists on the pavement are lazy, incompetent,
or doing something stupid like trying to balance
several shopping bags on their handlebars. For example,
some people cycle on the pavement right next to a cyclepath
(and shamefacedly move to it when I point this out).
In another case, I told someone that "this is a pavement"
after he nearly ran me over, and he told me "I'm not
allowed to cycle on the road. I've been brain damaged
since my accident." (A road accident, I wonder?)
When he spoke I realised he was
indeed someone who appeared to have learning difficulties.
Or there is the case of a family group who ALL cycle on
the pavement so they can include the youngest member who
is still using stabilisers.
I don't think this is any excuse! If you have kids who are
too young to go on the road, or people who are unable to
ride safely on the road due to shopping or mental
impairment, then they are a risk. They aren't safe on
the road and I'm not happy with them whizzing past me on
the pavement either! If you can't cycle safely, don't
cycle at all. I don't!
Babies
Horrible little things that scream, eat, shit and sleep,
and can do nothing for themselves. They need constant
supervision (unlike a pet) and can make even sane people
start to talk nonsense. At best they are a distraction
and a drain. There is a slight snag that if babies
go into Room 101, the human race will die out. Perhaps
we would quickly invent some kind of robot to bring
up the baby, so they aren't seen, for example, screaming
in supermarkets - only being allowed into the population
at school age, by which time they are also able to
contribute to the daily chores, like kids in Africa
manage to do with pride and without complaint.
Fat-reduced doughnuts
These "diet" doughnuts are an abomination. If you take
the fat out of doughnuts, they are no longer doughnuts,
they are sugared rubber rings. They are absolutely
disgusting. Try one, and it will be a long time before
you can face even a normal doughnut again. They have
no place here!
"Special" food for vegetarians
Many's the time when I've eaten at a friend's house
and I've said "please, just give me what everyone else
is having, but without the meat or fish" and instead
when we sit down to eat, everyone else has tasty looking
food and I will be presented with a giant heap of inedible
lentil puree, or something like that. Something "special".
This has many problems; firstly, I like normal food,
vegetables, pasta, the usual. I don't like wierd shit.
Secondly, giving me something "special" usually means
it has a strange content, perhaps it's extra high in
protein and fibre or something, and I'll be running
to the loo before we've even reached the dessert.
Thirdly, it's often been cooked from a recipe which
serves two, or worse, four, so I've got far too much
of the stuff. Even if I manage to eat some, I leave
a lot more and whatever I do it looks bad. Fourthly,
it makes me feel excluded, and draws attention to
the fact that I'm doing something different, so I feel
awkward. This can also mean I get lots of questions
about why I won't eat animal, the answers to which
can put the meat-eaters off their food! And finally
because it's been cooked separately as a "special"
gesture by the host, I feel guilty that I can't eat
it and it's impossible to say "actually, can I have
some of the vegetables everyone else has, please?"
(If you'd like to know how to feed me, please see
this page on catering
for vegetarians.)
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