Submitted by Danny
What has three legs and lives on a farm?
Mr and Mrs Paul McCartney.

What does Speedy Gonzalez use as carpet?
Underlay underlay.

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable boy at the inflatable school?
You have let me down, you have let your school down and worst of all you have let yourself down.

Doctor Doctor, everytime I look in the mirror I get a hard-on. Am I gay?
No, you just look like a c**t.


Submitted by New2Unix
After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?" "That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"


Submitted by Paul/Goldenpants
A woman is in hospital in a coma. Several nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private parts and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him. "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy, besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lines, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurse's race into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."