A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar.
"Hi Van, can I get you a drink?"
"No thanks, I got one ear."


Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!


A very short painter walks into a Parisien bar and offers to buy his friend a drink, his friend rushing out of the door shouts
'Can't stop now, no time Toulouse'


Legless man waiting at a bus stop. Driver pulls up and shouts 'How you getting on, Fred?'


Two snowmen, one turns to the other and says 'can you smell carrots?...'


Two parrots standing on a perch. One of them says, "can you smell fish?..."


What do you call a lawyer at the bottom of the sea....
A start.


What have you got when you have a lawyer up to her neck in shit?
Not enough shit.


Bloke rings up his/her lawyer and says, "How much would you charge to answer three questions?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment, and says, "Two thousand pounds, plus VAT."
"TWO THOUSAND!" cries our freelancer, "That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yes, I suppose it is." says the lawyer, after thinking for a moment longer.
"What's your third question?"


One day a farmer caught a travelling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's dick and told him that nothing could be done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."