A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.'
'What do you mean?' said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'
Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.'
The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'
'Why yes,' she said.
'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'


A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course,lined with million dollar houses.
On the third tee the husband said, 'Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.'
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, 'I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.'
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, 'Come on in.'
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.' the husband replied.
'No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'OK, great!' the husband said. '
I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem-it's the least I could do.
And you, what do you want?'
the genie said, looking at the wife.
'I want a house in every country of the world,' she said.
'Consider it done.' the genie replied.
'And what's your wish, genie?', the husband said.
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looks at the wife and said,
'Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.'
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, 'How old is your husband, anyway?'
'35.' she replied.
'And he still believes in genies - that's amazing.'


While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied,
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

Traffic Ticket: £95.00 / Court Costs: £45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!


Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my email...

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!