A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground . You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist , "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been of much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am ," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well, said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my fault."


A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up to a chair.

While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous; if he gets angry, he might even kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too!"


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place it in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promise himself a vacation after the next big score, then, he clicked his light back on and began looking for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shinned his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses" the bird replied.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed "What kind of stupid person would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiler....Jesus."


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks"?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Every one has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".

"Oh said the man. "Whose clock is that one"?

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie".

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one"?

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life".

"Where's Blair's clock"? Asked the man.

"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan" responded St. Peter.


Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
Man yells out window, " B I T C H "
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Thought For The Day : If only men would listen