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Jokes from Bloke

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin' yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to McGuire's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again; "How about going to a bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting; "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McGuire's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes."

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" She replied, "They're up in bed " So the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh.

His grandmother asked "What gives? every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Dude, I'm just messing with you, she's dead."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm ... the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

The Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the governments plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant during the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a "Proxy Father" a government employee who attempts to solve the women's problem by getting her pregnant.

The Smiths, a young married couple have no children and the government man is due to arrive. Mr. Smith on leaving, says "I'm off, The Government man should be here soon". INSTEAD, however a door-to-door photograph salesman comes to the Smith's trying to sell baby pictures.


Ms.Smith: Good Morning.
Salesman: Good Morning, you don't known me but I've come to .....
Ms.Smith: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming.
Salesman: Oh? - Well good. I've made a speciality of babies, especially twins.
Ms.Smith: That's what my husband said. Please sit down.
Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that........
Ms.Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do.
Salesman: Well, in that case perhaps we should get right on with it.
Ms.Smith: (blushing) Well, just where do we start?
Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor works well.
Ms.Smith: Bathroom!!! Living Room floor!!! No wonder it hasn't worked for us
Salesman: Well Lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be a honey.
Ms.Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal?
Salesman: No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a hurry.
Ms.Smith: Well have you had much success with this?
Salesman: (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just look at these babies, they're all jobs I've handled. This one took four hours.
Ms.Smith: Yes, this is a lovely child.
Salesman: But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.
Ms.Smith: OH MY GOD !!
Salesman: and here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was hard to work with.
Ms.Smith: Oh, She was?
Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde park to get the job done right. People were all around four and five deep pushing to get a good look.
Ms.Smith: Four and five deep !!!!!
Salesman: Yes, and for more than 3 hours, too. But I finally got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot again before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and I had to give up.
Ms.Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your ahhh - equipment...?
Salesman: Yes, but its all in a days work. I've spent 3 long years perfecting my technique. Take this baby. I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.
Ms.Smith: I can't believe it ?
Salesman: Well, Madam if your ready, I'll get my tripod ?
Ms.Smith: TRIPOD !!!!! ??????
Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy to hold in my hand.

Ms.Smith .... Ms. Smith .... Ms Smith .. Goodness She Fainted !!!!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Annie: What's that?
Molly: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Annie: Where did you get it?
Molly: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Annie hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The bloke, obviously embarrassed, looks at her very strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Annie: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

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